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Thursday, January 20, 2022

Excerpts from A Company Training Manual


Imagine if you could just think of any object you wanted and have it just appear? Incredibly, the properties of this exospace allows for just that. It's an incredible, near infinite resource for all humankind. You can be proud that you are an integral part of our extraction team. You do the hard work, so everyone can benefit.

But to do that work safely, there are a number of rules you need to follow. Unnecessary accidents don't just hurt the people involved, they hurt the Company and the entire industry! Keep these safety steps in mind. A lot depends on it!

  • Check your gear. Your sigil-guarded environmental suit and your tether are your literal lifeline. Make sure all functions are in the green. Remind your crewmembers to do the same!
  • Use the buddy system. Stay in communication with your assigned buddy on the standard channel the entire time you are in the outside. Make sure to perform reciprocal environmental suit integrity checks at the beginning and end of every shift.
  • Remember your mental focus training. The local exospace is psychomorphic--that means it changes in response to the thoughts and feelings of intelligent minds. Since that's the very property we're trying to extract, we can't have our ground crew getting in the way of our value-creation team. Let them do the wishing, and you just handle the pickup! [remove for next edition of manual. See cost-benefit analysis report of mental focus training. The in-development mental grounding app, designed to be triggered by vital signs fluctuation or physiologic signs of distraction has a planned rollout by Q3. ]
  • Keep your cool. Despite your training, one of your idle thoughts or the daydream of one of your team members can create unwanted alterations in the nearby space. These changes can be distracting, sometimes even frightening. Ignore them and get the job done!
  • Don't feed the animals. You've no doubt heard the rumors of native lifeforms. We're still trying to verify those claims. If anything should anything try to communicate with you, notify your supervisor immediately. In no circumstance should you respond to questions or exchange anything with them, including information.

Follow these rules and any updates provided by your crew chief, and you'll get home safe with a big bonus!

1 comment:

  1. If this works the way it sounds like it does, I foresee many, many long discussions with HR regarding fantasizing about your co-workers while in the outside.

    ReplyDelete